Tea

Hello all you 'intelligent' people ;)

Just a quick one here on the subject of tea. I'm sure you've all had a lovely cup of tea at some point but if someone asked you what your favourite is, what would you say? You'd probably say something like:

"That would be Barry's Tea - sure isn't it 'Ireland's favourite' tea, next question. "

WRONG ANSWER!!

LESSON #5: Tea
(difficulty level: 4/5)

I surveyed some truly intelligent people and here are some of their answers:

"herbal tea - no sugar"
"green tea, without sugar"
"black tea... with lemon... in a china cup... on a saucer"
"Cranberry and crushed vanilla, sprinkled with truffle shavings - it's really a fantastic blend"
"I can't leave the house until I have a cup of tea, which I make myself from pink rose petals, wheatgrass and a hint of loganberry juice - I swear by it."

Making your own blend is closely related to sorcery, which is the 'in-thing' with intelligent people these days.

INTELLIGENT FACT #5: If all intelligent people stopped drinking tea tomorrow an estimated 5 billion people would lose their jobs (including Stephen Fry and a small number of chimpanzees). It is estimated that intelligent people would most likely drink coffee instead.


So try some new tea blends to impress your friends, it'll work wonders!!

(However, if this is too big a step just drink black coffee and tell people it's 'fairtrade', this will have a similar effect.)

Best of luck, Mr. Smrt :)

Glasses

Many people wear glasses and most of them are in fact intelligent. Some unintelligent people can actually look smart when they wear glasses, and I will give you some examples but first an interesting FACT!!

Do you recall FACT #1?? Well here it is in case you forgot...

"INTELLIGENT FACT #1: Less than 50% of truly smart people can tell the difference between an actual intelligent person and a person that possesses the 'Air of Intelligence'."

While this was true it is interesting to note what happens when glasses are involved...

INTELLIGENT FACT #4: Less than 10% of truly smart people can tell the difference between an actual intelligent person and a person that possesses the 'Air of Intelligence' when the person is wearing glasses.

You're probably thinking -wow, interesting fact- ... You mean I was fooling 50% of people... 10% will be child's play!!

But be warned...

LESSON #4: Glasses
(difficulty level: 1/5)

This is not as easy as simply putting on a pair of glasses. Here are two examples of getting it wrong.

CASE STUDY #1:
This is Sarah:

As you can see Sarah looks like she may be intelligent or at least has the 'Air of Intelligence'.

Sarah may look like she could be a librarian, a schoolmaster or even a solicitor.

WRONG!

Sarah doesn't even read newspapers, she just pretends to.

Sarah's mistake was not reading this blog and not following the rules to develop 'The Air'!! Please people, follow the rules at all times.

CASE STUDY #2:

This is Timmy:

Timmy looks like a fun guy, up for a laugh, a bit wacky!
Wacky people are intelligent right?

WRONG!

Intelligent people aren't that fun or wacky, possibly weird, but not wacky.

Timmy's first mistake was to wear novelty glasses with a mallet attached to them.
Please avoid novelty glasses at all times, and while we are on the subject do not wear tools above your waist.


Don't despair, as long as you keep Sarah and Timmy's mistakes in mind you'll be fine.
Try on your friend's glasses when they're not watching and see if it works! You'll be amazed with the results!

Best of luck, Mr Smrt :)

Books

Most of you probably prefer not to read books, and that's ok. However, intelligent people tend to like reading books so you are going to have to blag your way through this one I'm afraid, but it may be easier than you think ;)

I know what you're thinking... The last book I read was about some weirdo trying to get people to eat green eggs and ham, how is this ever gonna work!

LESSON #4: Books
(difficulty level: 3/5)

Luckily for us many books are turned into films by people who are too lazy to think of films for themselves, for people who are too lazy to read the book in the first place.

Chances are you have seen some of these films before and can pretend that you have also read the book. If you are asked which you prefer just say you preferred the book as this is the usual response from an intelligent person plus it makes you look like you enjoy reading.

Films based on books:

• The Shawshank Redemption
  
• The Da Vinci Code
• The Godfather
• Forrest Gump
• Little Women
• Kramer Vs Kramer
  
• A Clockwork Orange
  
• The Exorcist
• Hunt for Red October
  
• Gorillas in the Mist
• Jaws
  
• Die Hard (from the book Nothing Lasts Forever)
• How Stella Got Her Groove Back
  

If one of these is your favourite film why not also make it your favourite book! ;)

If you know of any other films based on books why not leave a comment below.

Best of luck, Mr Smrt :)

Contacting Mr Smrt

Hello all you 'intelligent' people ;)

You can now send stories, pictures or questions on your progress to the following address:

airofintelligence@gmail.com


Best of luck, Mr Smrt :)

Eating Out

An avid follower of 'Air-of-Intelligence' left a comment today about Eating Out. Let's see what he says...

"Dear Mr. Smrt,

I always feel like an idiot when I sit down to eat at a fancy restaurant. How can I convey an 'air of intelligence' when I eat out?"

Thank you for your question friend - this is simply done by expressing your knowledge of food!
But you're probably thinking -I know nothing about food, my favourite snack is ketchup sandwiches-... how will this impress people?


LESSON #3: Eating Out
(difficulty level: 3/5)

First you need to be familiar with the 5 main food groups:

1. Food from animals (steak, chicken, eggs, milk, cheese )
   
2. Food from the ground (vegetables, barleys, sugar)
3. Food from trees (nuts, berries and fruit)
4. Frozen foods (ice cream, frozen yoghurt, coca cola ice cubes)
5. Desserts and Sweets (knickerbocker glory, banana split, jelly beans)

WARNING: Be aware of the food groups in case you're asked which is your favourite but never list them in a row, ever - you will not appear intelligent.

INTELLIGENT FACT #3: Intelligent people love to talk about different foods they have tried. The most intelligent person is usually the one that has eaten the most disgusting food.

Impress the people you are eating with by telling them some of the foods you have eaten. You don't even have to have tried the food before, the trick here is to simply tell them it tastes like chicken and they will believe you. The weirder the food the better.

Weird food that will impress intelligent people:

• Baby animals - lamb, veal (baby cows), bambi.
• Snails
• Frogs legs
• Kangaroos legs
• Ostrich legs
  
• Crocodile
  
• Animal innards - liver, kidney, brains.
  

Crossing the line (never say you've eaten the following, for some reason this is considered too far)

• Rat
• Dog/Cats
  
• Monkey
• Pets in general

I hope this helps you the next time you are in a fancy restaurant reader.
Best of Luck, Mr. Smrt :)

Greetings - simplified

For those of you who have mastered 'hello' but are still having trouble making the leap to 'Good morning', 'Good afternoon' or 'Good evening'...

may I suggest keeping it simple and saying 'Good day' instead.

This can be used in the morning, afternoon or the evening and is particularly helpful when you've eaten an extra meal and are confused as to what time of the day it is.


Best of luck, Mr Smrt :)

History

It's one thing remembering things that happen since you've been born but Intelligent people expect you to know about stuff that happen even before you were born - they call this 'History'.

INTELLIGENT FACT #2: If we wrote all the history of world in one book it would be the size of the moon. (note: scientists are developing a pen that can write on planets)

I know what your thinking... I don't have a spaceship to get to this 'moon-book', but don't worry, we're here to help!

You see, you don't need to know everything about everything which leads us on to our second lesson...

LESSON #2: War
(difficulty level: 2/5)

There are far too many wars to remember so let's take the main wars, they are called World War I and World War II.

Things you should know about these wars to cover your ass:

1. They took place on Earth
2. They were human versus human wars
3. 'I' means 1 and 'II' means 2
   
4. It's 'World War I' NOT 'World War' (it's not like Rocky and Rocky 2).
5. The Germans lost both wars.

Sometimes intelligent people make World War 3 jokes - you can do this too. Whenever you see people arguing say, 'looks like World War 3 has broken out!'.

Give it a go, if you make a joke like this people will assume you must know alot about the first 2 wars, and if you're lucky more!!